Salvation day. Redemption day. Moving day. It is the day we have anticipated for so long. It is the day we remove from our home the devastatingly negative shackles of Alzheimer's. It is the day we move Blanche into assisted living. It is what brings me to my computer at 3:55 a.m. with an aching head and anxiety over how it will all play out. I know it's the right thing to do. There is no other way for this journey to come to its conclusion. But I worry that it's taking a toll on Tracy. She's anxious and stressed and guilt-ridden. It doesn't matter how many people tell her she should not feel guilty. It's how she feels. The only thing that will rid her of that feeling is when we get past that move-in date and Blanche adjusts to her new surroundings. Then the choices we have made for her will be validated.
I try to imagine how our house will be after February 6th and it's difficult to envision. We've lived with this stress for so long. It's like our own twisted version of "When Good People Go Bad". I haven't always been proud of the way I treated Blanche. My patience has worn so thin in the past year. I don't like the person I've become in dealing with Blanche. I don't like how I've let Alzheimer's invade every part of our home.
Okay, so what do I like about the situation? I like that we've given Blanche a safe, warm home for nearly three years. I like that I've learned amazing things about this illness that have allowed me to personally grow and expand my knowledge. I like that because of what I've learned, I have published two articles about Alzheimer's: "Practical Tips for the First-time Caregiver" and "Selecting a Memory Care Facility". I also know that I have more to write on the subject, so good has come out of this.
Finally, once we are over this hump and past this moving day, Blanche will adjust, she will be living in a life-engaging environment and her days of living in near-isolation in our house will be over. That's the next day I am waiting for.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Today's Ordeal Involves a Cup of Coffee and Pudding with Ice
Today, Blanche asked for a cup of coffee at 4:30. The coffee in the pot was cold, so I told her she could heat it up in a coffee mug. Here's the sequence of events as they unfolded: Blanche took the pot with the cold coffee, and placed it on the counter. As she started to open random cabinets, I told her the mugs were above the sink. She still continued to open random cabinets. She finally got to the one above the sink and took a mug. She poured the coffee from the pot into the mug. Then she poured the coffee from the mug back into the pot. I told her to put it back in the mug. So she did. I then told her to put the mug in the microwave and she asked where that was located. I pointed to it behind her. She put the mug in and I told her to press one. She did. Then she turned around, and took another mug out of the cabinet and asked me if that was where she should put her coffee when it was hot. And on and on and on it goes, everyday, day in and day out. It will all be over soon.
Quick update - Blanche went into the kitchen just now to fill up her water glass. After what seemed like an eternity, Tracy went to see what she was doing. She had taken a pudding out of the fridge and was trying to put it into a cup with ice and water in it! Now the argument gets heated. Not that we are tyrants, but she already had a pudding tonight that she had gone into our refrigerator to get without asking. I'm not proud to say it, but I'm very territorial when it comes to my kitchen. However, the challenge is following her into the kitchen every time she goes and pretending that I am doing something else. Tracy took the challenge this time and now Blanche has gone home with her glass of pudding and ice...
Quick update - Blanche went into the kitchen just now to fill up her water glass. After what seemed like an eternity, Tracy went to see what she was doing. She had taken a pudding out of the fridge and was trying to put it into a cup with ice and water in it! Now the argument gets heated. Not that we are tyrants, but she already had a pudding tonight that she had gone into our refrigerator to get without asking. I'm not proud to say it, but I'm very territorial when it comes to my kitchen. However, the challenge is following her into the kitchen every time she goes and pretending that I am doing something else. Tracy took the challenge this time and now Blanche has gone home with her glass of pudding and ice...
Friday, January 16, 2009
Feeling Sorry for Myself!
Here I am again - Friday night - 7:45 and I've been dealing with Blanche since 5. I'm not sure how much more I can take tonight. We made a big food mistake today and now I have nothing to feed her for dinner. This morning we gave her chicken wings and a fully cooked pork cutlet. I went over to her place to see what leftovers I could give her and gone - all gone! She even ate the large piece of leftover steak she had taken home with her last night. Tracy is bringing dinner home tonight but she has to work late, so I'm in a bind. I'm not much of a cook and with how picky Blanche is, it's not like I can give her soup or tuna fish.
So here we sit. I went over to her place with her because she wasn't sure how to get there. Then I checked on her food and all she had left was a partial sandwich, which she brought over to our house to eat. Then I noticed all of her trash sitting in various bags on her counter, so I gathered all of that up into one large trash bag. Last but not least, I had to wash out her little garbage pail under the sink because she throws trash into it without putting a plastic bag into it.
Hopefully, if you're reading this, you can understand now why I'm feeling sorry for myself. If not, that's okay too. Finally, tomorrow we're going to see that last place in Southbury and hopefully Tracy will make a decision before the end of this month.
One interesting story from today. Blanche was reading yesterday's New Haven Register and at one point, she jumped up and headed for the door to her apartment. I asked her where she was going (again) and she said "I just saw something important in the paper and I want to go tell my husband before I forget". When she came back, she said to me, "he wasn't home yet".
My response was a plain old "uh-huh" and that was the end of that.
So here we sit. I went over to her place with her because she wasn't sure how to get there. Then I checked on her food and all she had left was a partial sandwich, which she brought over to our house to eat. Then I noticed all of her trash sitting in various bags on her counter, so I gathered all of that up into one large trash bag. Last but not least, I had to wash out her little garbage pail under the sink because she throws trash into it without putting a plastic bag into it.
Hopefully, if you're reading this, you can understand now why I'm feeling sorry for myself. If not, that's okay too. Finally, tomorrow we're going to see that last place in Southbury and hopefully Tracy will make a decision before the end of this month.
One interesting story from today. Blanche was reading yesterday's New Haven Register and at one point, she jumped up and headed for the door to her apartment. I asked her where she was going (again) and she said "I just saw something important in the paper and I want to go tell my husband before I forget". When she came back, she said to me, "he wasn't home yet".
My response was a plain old "uh-huh" and that was the end of that.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"Something is all screwy...
...in here," and Blanche pointed to her head. These are the moments where I feel the worst for her. They are brief moments of clarity where she knows something is wrong, and she knows that it's with her, but she can't figure out what it is.
Tracy's grandmother died today. We spent a couple of hours with her yesterday in the nursing home and they had said that they didn't think she would make it through the weekend. They also said they would call us so we would have time to get there. But it didn't work out that way. They called around 8:30 this morning and said she had passed. So Tracy asked if we could go and see her and they said yes. So that's what we did this morning. It was really sad. Her grandmother had just made her 100th birthday on Wednesday. It's a funny world that we live in where euthanasia is against the law, but it's okay to deny a human being food and water, give them morphine to "keep them comfortable" and let them starve to death.
Anyway, Tracy has had to tell her mother about 10 times today that her grandmother has died. She keeps saying that she didn't know and it's been extremely difficult to deal with her today. I've learned that with Blanche and this illness, it's all about her. When Tracy first told her that her (Blanche's) mother-in-law had died, her response was "I was just going to ask you how she was doing." And that was it. No sorrow, no grief, no tears. It's a little weird. It kind of takes away Tracy's ability to grieve for her grandmother. And she needs to grieve because she was the closest person to her grandmother and it's a big loss for her, more than she'll admit.
So here we sit watching football, drinking wine and hoping Blanche goes to bed soon. She already said goodnight once and came back within five minutes looking for something, but she couldn't tell us what it was. I'm dealing with her now because Tracy has had enough for today and she needs a break.
Tracy's grandmother died today. We spent a couple of hours with her yesterday in the nursing home and they had said that they didn't think she would make it through the weekend. They also said they would call us so we would have time to get there. But it didn't work out that way. They called around 8:30 this morning and said she had passed. So Tracy asked if we could go and see her and they said yes. So that's what we did this morning. It was really sad. Her grandmother had just made her 100th birthday on Wednesday. It's a funny world that we live in where euthanasia is against the law, but it's okay to deny a human being food and water, give them morphine to "keep them comfortable" and let them starve to death.
Anyway, Tracy has had to tell her mother about 10 times today that her grandmother has died. She keeps saying that she didn't know and it's been extremely difficult to deal with her today. I've learned that with Blanche and this illness, it's all about her. When Tracy first told her that her (Blanche's) mother-in-law had died, her response was "I was just going to ask you how she was doing." And that was it. No sorrow, no grief, no tears. It's a little weird. It kind of takes away Tracy's ability to grieve for her grandmother. And she needs to grieve because she was the closest person to her grandmother and it's a big loss for her, more than she'll admit.
So here we sit watching football, drinking wine and hoping Blanche goes to bed soon. She already said goodnight once and came back within five minutes looking for something, but she couldn't tell us what it was. I'm dealing with her now because Tracy has had enough for today and she needs a break.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I Have Two Daughters...
"No", I said, "you only have one daughter." Blanche looked me straight in the eye and said, "no, I have two," and she even held out two fingers as if I am an imbecile and I should know that. Then she said, "How about if I call my boyfriend so we can find out what's going on?" So, I guess it's my turn now. So I said, "why don't you just sit down, read the newspaper and watch the news with me?"
But that wasn't good enough. I've learned that nothing we say is ever good enough, but God help us, we keep trying! Blanche just went back to her house for the 25th time in an hour and I'm not sure how much longer I can be nice. It's pretty sad, don't you think? She can't help it. I should be able to at this point in the game. But she's been telling me stories for over two hours now and I'm about saturated in the patience category. Hold on, I just heard the door again; she's been gone for just about three minutes...and here she comes again.
Okay, she just told me that half of her animals are missing. So I went over to her house with her, explaining that she only has one cat, Cleo. I then showed her Cleo sleeping peacefully in a chair. Blanche insists there are "others"; I insist there are not. And here I am back again in my living room. She stayed over in her apartment, but she'll be back.
Signing off for now, but I'm sure I'll be back too...
But that wasn't good enough. I've learned that nothing we say is ever good enough, but God help us, we keep trying! Blanche just went back to her house for the 25th time in an hour and I'm not sure how much longer I can be nice. It's pretty sad, don't you think? She can't help it. I should be able to at this point in the game. But she's been telling me stories for over two hours now and I'm about saturated in the patience category. Hold on, I just heard the door again; she's been gone for just about three minutes...and here she comes again.
Okay, she just told me that half of her animals are missing. So I went over to her house with her, explaining that she only has one cat, Cleo. I then showed her Cleo sleeping peacefully in a chair. Blanche insists there are "others"; I insist there are not. And here I am back again in my living room. She stayed over in her apartment, but she'll be back.
Signing off for now, but I'm sure I'll be back too...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Coming Down the Home Stretch?
So here I sit on the second day of 2009, a steaming cup of Tension Tamer tea by my side and I'm just waiting. For what you may ask? It's 4:06 p.m. and the caregiver just left Blanche. So I'm waiting for the banging to start on the door that connects our house to her apartment. I wish that I didn't waste time waiting for it, but I do. There's a note hanging on the door. It says: "Blanche: I am working today. Please do not disturb me. Come over at 5:00 p.m. and we'll have dinner".
That usually does not stop her, but maybe today will be different.
We went looking at assisted living places earlier this week. Visited two: Coachman's Square and Emeritus (formerly Brighton Gardens). Both are in Woodbridge. We really liked the first and really disliked the second. It was a very sad experience for me; I can only imagine how Tracy felt. I swear, if anything like Alzheimer's ever happens to me, I'll pull a Thelma and Louise long before I become what I now know as "lower functioning".
However, I do know that Blanche is at a stage where she needs to be somewhere else. And not just for our sake, but for hers as well. We can't possibly engage her on a daily basis like she needs to be engaged. A caregiver three hours a day barely makes a dent in keeping her active. She wanders more and more around our house. We've been told that she is looking for something that she will never be able to find. For the same reason that she endlessly unzips and zips her purse when she's in the car with us - ask her what she's looking for and she'll tell you that she'll know when she finds it.
Tracy's sister-in-law is also looking at places in Florida, which is a huge help. Since it's a massive industry down there, we figured that it would be less expensive. And less expensive means that Blanche's money will last much longer for the quality of care she should get. It really shouldn't matter how much money you have when it comes to caring for the elderly, but boy does it! Just from what I've seen, it seems to me that you don't want your loved one to end up in a nursing home, but not everyone has the money to afford the type of assisted living facilities that are geared toward memory care.
Memory care - I learned that it means the facility has a locked area where the residents can wander around without leaving the building or getting into harm's way. It makes them feel like they are still in charge of themselves and since they don't know they're in a locked facility, I think it's okay. Apparently some people think the residents are locked up like crazy people, but those are just small-minded people who really don't understand the illness.
Anyway, an update on Blanche. She is starting to say more and more things that don't make any sense and we cannot decipher. On New Year's Eve, she said goodnight, went over to her house, changed her clothes and came back over. She asked Tracy for the "strips" for her teeth, which she insisted were in our refrigerator. Not sure what she was getting at with that one.
Last night, after dinner, she said she had to get home because her little girl was all by herself. We asked her if she meant her cat, and she said no. So Tracy said if the little girl was over in the apartment right now, she wanted to come over and meet her. So off they went. When Tracy came back, she told me her mother said, "see, that's my little black girl over there" and she pointed to her cat, Cleo.
So, I do feel as if we are coming down the home stretch regarding our living situation with Blanche. I also think that if Tracy had been able to be more open with her brother and his family, they would have understood earlier how difficult it is to care for Blanche. I also understand that we all have our own way of dealing with life-altering situations (this is mine) and really, no one prepares you for caring for a parent who is slowly disappearing before your very eyes. That said, I'm happy that they are providing support now that they understand what has been going on.
We're going to see one more place in Southbury called Kensington Green, hopefully sometime next week. To be continued...and by the way, it's now 4:28 and Blanche has only banged on the door twice since 4:06...
That usually does not stop her, but maybe today will be different.
We went looking at assisted living places earlier this week. Visited two: Coachman's Square and Emeritus (formerly Brighton Gardens). Both are in Woodbridge. We really liked the first and really disliked the second. It was a very sad experience for me; I can only imagine how Tracy felt. I swear, if anything like Alzheimer's ever happens to me, I'll pull a Thelma and Louise long before I become what I now know as "lower functioning".
However, I do know that Blanche is at a stage where she needs to be somewhere else. And not just for our sake, but for hers as well. We can't possibly engage her on a daily basis like she needs to be engaged. A caregiver three hours a day barely makes a dent in keeping her active. She wanders more and more around our house. We've been told that she is looking for something that she will never be able to find. For the same reason that she endlessly unzips and zips her purse when she's in the car with us - ask her what she's looking for and she'll tell you that she'll know when she finds it.
Tracy's sister-in-law is also looking at places in Florida, which is a huge help. Since it's a massive industry down there, we figured that it would be less expensive. And less expensive means that Blanche's money will last much longer for the quality of care she should get. It really shouldn't matter how much money you have when it comes to caring for the elderly, but boy does it! Just from what I've seen, it seems to me that you don't want your loved one to end up in a nursing home, but not everyone has the money to afford the type of assisted living facilities that are geared toward memory care.
Memory care - I learned that it means the facility has a locked area where the residents can wander around without leaving the building or getting into harm's way. It makes them feel like they are still in charge of themselves and since they don't know they're in a locked facility, I think it's okay. Apparently some people think the residents are locked up like crazy people, but those are just small-minded people who really don't understand the illness.
Anyway, an update on Blanche. She is starting to say more and more things that don't make any sense and we cannot decipher. On New Year's Eve, she said goodnight, went over to her house, changed her clothes and came back over. She asked Tracy for the "strips" for her teeth, which she insisted were in our refrigerator. Not sure what she was getting at with that one.
Last night, after dinner, she said she had to get home because her little girl was all by herself. We asked her if she meant her cat, and she said no. So Tracy said if the little girl was over in the apartment right now, she wanted to come over and meet her. So off they went. When Tracy came back, she told me her mother said, "see, that's my little black girl over there" and she pointed to her cat, Cleo.
So, I do feel as if we are coming down the home stretch regarding our living situation with Blanche. I also think that if Tracy had been able to be more open with her brother and his family, they would have understood earlier how difficult it is to care for Blanche. I also understand that we all have our own way of dealing with life-altering situations (this is mine) and really, no one prepares you for caring for a parent who is slowly disappearing before your very eyes. That said, I'm happy that they are providing support now that they understand what has been going on.
We're going to see one more place in Southbury called Kensington Green, hopefully sometime next week. To be continued...and by the way, it's now 4:28 and Blanche has only banged on the door twice since 4:06...
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