Friday, February 6, 2009

Salvation day. Redemption day. Moving day. It is the day we have anticipated for so long. It is the day we remove from our home the devastatingly negative shackles of Alzheimer's. It is the day we move Blanche into assisted living. It is what brings me to my computer at 3:55 a.m. with an aching head and anxiety over how it will all play out. I know it's the right thing to do. There is no other way for this journey to come to its conclusion. But I worry that it's taking a toll on Tracy. She's anxious and stressed and guilt-ridden. It doesn't matter how many people tell her she should not feel guilty. It's how she feels. The only thing that will rid her of that feeling is when we get past that move-in date and Blanche adjusts to her new surroundings. Then the choices we have made for her will be validated.

I try to imagine how our house will be after February 6th and it's difficult to envision. We've lived with this stress for so long. It's like our own twisted version of "When Good People Go Bad". I haven't always been proud of the way I treated Blanche. My patience has worn so thin in the past year. I don't like the person I've become in dealing with Blanche. I don't like how I've let Alzheimer's invade every part of our home.

Okay, so what do I like about the situation? I like that we've given Blanche a safe, warm home for nearly three years. I like that I've learned amazing things about this illness that have allowed me to personally grow and expand my knowledge. I like that because of what I've learned, I have published two articles about Alzheimer's: "Practical Tips for the First-time Caregiver" and "Selecting a Memory Care Facility". I also know that I have more to write on the subject, so good has come out of this.

Finally, once we are over this hump and past this moving day, Blanche will adjust, she will be living in a life-engaging environment and her days of living in near-isolation in our house will be over. That's the next day I am waiting for.